I know I feel this way because I am frustrated about my foot. I can't walk at all without pain and without intense pain if I am on my feet for 2 hours. Since I need to be in my brace for 6 hours each day (nonconsecutive but in a seated or reclining positiion)I have become bored with the things that have kept me occupied.
The other thing is that I don't really want everything be the same as it has been when I'm back to normal. I know it is just my nature, but it seeems I have been always in a hurry, always multi-tasking and always working in one form or another. I feel so internally driven, and no matter what I do it is never good enough. If you know me, you know these are chronic tendencies I have had most of my adult life. With the nursing job and then my feet hurting all the time I just had to stop for a while. I was working the 3 days then exercising 3 days on my days off ( I want to stay fit at least for the health benefits and to keep from gaining more of that middle aged tummy but it was killing me to keep up)i've been feeling like I was trying to make bricks with no straw (that was Mike's analysis of the situation). I really wanted to be a nurse but there is so much pressure and stress involved working on a hospital floor
I have enjoyed not being under so much pressure the past few weeks. However,when I am home a lot, I often revert to thinking about decorating the house and about how I look. I don't believe these are bad in themselves if in moderation but I believe theswe areas can become almost OCDish for me. I get fixated on some thing and I almost have to get it finished or figured out before I can stop either doing something about it( even if my foot is killing me) or thinking about it. And aboutmy looks, I start the day feeling OK about myself but then if I go to a store and look in a mirror I hate what I see.
It happened today. What am I supposed to be to be good enough? people tell me I'm cute and small but I feel so dumpy and stupid for not being able to look better. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them?
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You might think I haven't been seeing enough people but actually I've been seeing lots of people I haven't been able to when working. Actually, many parts of being laid low have been just what I needed. I just need to figure out how to do things differently when it all cranks up again. It has just been 2 frustrating days. I do better with structured time so working is good for me on that note.
These felings I've had make me think of the people who have been my patients with very serious injuries and how they must feel at times. also i have found out the percocet is better than vicodin for paon! Maybe I will be a better nurse when i do go back.
So there's my junk, I feel better now. Thank God we have a savior!!.
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1 comment:
Thanks for sharing, Suzy. I must say that I can relate to much of what you are saying...especially when it comes to my house or how I look. And I, too, can become very consumed by projects and want to see them completed.
I am glad that your next post says that you are feeling better today. We have missed you guys. We'll see you soon.
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